looking for a long-term bromance / friend without benefits after having given up on girls.
girls, seriously?! more on you later.
anyway, i’m looking for a good, solid wingman. we’ll go to bars and share knowing glances as the girls go wild for the dog brothers / larger male monkey. we’ll be on the sidelines, enjoying our own company. we won’t be bitter, just realistic. like robert deniro at the end of the deer hunter: we’ve just decided not to shoot anymore…leave that to the Situation.
forget about how we got here. consider, instead, the future. we’ll give up working out. shaving stuff. the purchase on credit of items of clothing for male plumage display. no more masking of our true, kind nature with pathetic look-at-me-i’m-a-cock stunts just to trick the girls into liking us.
we know nice guys don’t necessarily finish last. but you and i, these two nice guys, won’t even be in the race! our preference, bartleby, will be not to. ok, too precious. but whatever.
let the incarcerated murderers get the proposal letters from the ladies. let the dongs bang away and face paint in their debt-financed bmws and benzes.
bro…is the footprint on your back the match for the one on mine?
me: single white male, college educated, burned to a crisp by a past relationship.
you: any race, one sex, all else negotiable.
NO WOMEN. NO COUPLES. well, i guess stud lesbians can apply. i think i can relate…they seem pretty useless around here too. NO GAY MEN. this is bromance. i know you promote a sexual spectrum, and while i believe “the worm of my passion” has some kinks, i’m not into dudes. sexually. i’m just not. really.
NO WOMEN. really. one or two of you might discern in my post a plaintive tone or a passive-aggressive beta male attempt to attract a smart girl with my tight prose, proper use of commas, and ability to distinguish “it’s” from “its” and “you’re” from “your.” don’t do that. the more darwinian of you girls may even conjecture that such a male, if he can conjugate verbs competently, probably could be a good provider. don’t do that either. again, this is bromance. perhaps we can meet informally on one of your “girls’ night outs.” compare notes: homance, bromance. but that’s all.
“Now we know how Billy does it: He is a Sneaky Nice Guy Lover*, the kind who lets you cry on your shoulder, then cops a feel. He will listen to you whine about your mean ex-boyfriend and say you deserve someone better, someone who will respect you—someone like him.** You will fall for it because you like to be flattered. You will lead him on under the guise of “platonic friends.” Maybe you will use the phrase “like a brother.” But notice how he never denies the relationship; he will let the rumor mill churn. He will linger in the background, floating like a ghost in the corner of photographs. He will put up with your tomfoolery and juvenile antics because he knows that, if he waits long enough, in a moment of weakness you will cave in. Then he will make you his sneaky needy fuck buddy, or his sneaky needy girlfriend, or his sneaky needy wife.”—